Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Ridiculous Defense

     I have been selling my school books on Amazon for the past few years. I have never had a problem - until now. A few days after a normal sale of a book I received a message on my Amazon account from a buyer who was furious with the product she received. “Furious” does not even describe her anger. After growing tired of her threatening emails, I informed the buyer to take the matter up with Amazon.

     Thinking this was some elaborate scam to steal my cold hard cash, I googled the situation. I read a handful of blogs that led to me believe that while this person was most likely scamming me, Amazon has a “the customer is always right” policy and I would inevitably be required to pay back my earnings. So, after the buyer filed a claim with the Amazon complaints department explaining what a horrible person I was, it was my turn to state my side of the story for the claims department. I decided losing $13.79 was worth it if I lost not because of the “Amazon loves customers policy”, but because I wrote the most ridiculous defense response possible.

Here is that response:

Dear Mr. Amazon,

     The book that was shipped to one Debbie                     , was in NEW condition when it was taken to the post office on the sunny evening of July 3rd 2010. I waited in line at the local post office for about 10 minutes before being called to the counter. It may seem like 10 minutes is a long time and in fact it could have been less, but recently the air conditioning at the local post office had gone out and just being in there made time move slower.

     The book in question was "shipped using Media Mail" because what I was shipping was in fact "media". There was no correspondence in this package so it qualified for this type of shipping. Had I written Debbie a letter with the shipment of the book, it would not have qualified for this type of shipping. Now that I see what type of pen-pal Debbie would have been, I feel not including correspondence and using Media Mail was the proper avenue of shipment.

     This package was indeed wrapped in a white flat envelope. It was also, as Debbie so observantly mentioned, thin. Most envelopes are thin. I have never seen a THICK envelope, unless the insides were covered in bubble-wrap, but the last time I checked a book was not considered fragile. I did not include “thin cardboard” with the packaging either, for one because using Debbie’s description of “thin” from the envelope complaint it seems that putting the “thin cardboard” in with the package would have done absolutely nothing. Did you see how thin the white envelope was? I for one have never seen such a thin envelope. Second, I did not use cardboard mostly because I was not sending pictures. My Mom, when she sends me pictures, will place the pictures between two pieces of cardboard and then into an envelope. This is because the pictures are quite thin themselves. Almost like paper. The book, however, is about 180 pieces of paper, with a cardboard cover. So actually, I did include cardboard with the packaging. Come to think of it, my Mom also sends me the pictures in thin envelopes. I should bring this matter up with her as well.

     I am curious to understand how the book is “so battered you cannot read it.” A dent in the book and a crease at the top of the book would not render it unreadable. Perhaps she is holding it upside-down.

     The “deep crease” that prevents the book pages from “turning easily” does not sound plausible. There was an episode of MythBusters I watched a few weeks ago that was about books and the ease at which the pages turn. They did many experiments on the book to see what types of things would prevent the pages from turning easily. The deep crease myth did not hold up with testing. The pages still turned; it was actually easier with them creased because you could grab onto the next page without having them stick together which always leads to the licking of one’s finger to catch the page and turn. This puts saliva in the book. The book was in new condition when I shipped it. There was no saliva in it.

     Next I would like to bring to the courts attention the emails that I received from Debbie. Per Amazon policy, you have already seen these emails and have copies of them so I will not put you through the entire saga. I prefer to highlight one of my favorites. She used quite a bit of off color language for a lady, so accept my apologies that I must submit examples of it with my claim.

Exhibit A:

Order ID: 104-011                      

YOU ARE A REAL CLASS ACT. I PAY $3.99 FOR SHIPPING AND MY BOOK ARRIVES LIKE IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE WASHING MACHINE. I WANT A TOTAL REFUND AND IF YOU WANT YOUR DAMNED BOOK BACK YOU BETTER COVER THE SHIPPIG FOR 1ST CLASS MAIL. I EXPECT AN E-MAIL FROM YOU BEFORE THIS DAY IS OVER OR YOU ARE GOING TO BE SORRY YOU EVERY MET ME. MY E-MAIL IS [e-mail address removed]. I MEAN IT. I AM SO PISSED AT YOU IT IS UNREAL. YOU SHOULD TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOUR BOOKS BEFORE YOU SHIP THEM OUT. SHAME ON YOU. YOU HAVE UNTIL TONIGHT.

Debbie              

970-                      

You bastard

     I changed the font color of her email to all red because I did not want you, the Amazon Claims reader, to be confused with the ending of the email under where her name is signed. There is no “PS” before the name calling, so I didn’t want you to be confused and think that I called you a Bastard when in fact it is me who is the Bastard. Well, according to Deb. I actually have a father. But how could she know that.

    I would like to note the use of threatening language in this email from Deb. First of all, I do not think such language is ever appropriate no matter how thin the white envelope is that was used in shipping. Second, this was the first email I received from the Debster. I didn’t even have a chance to reply to an appropriately written concern before being breaded in what I can only assume is anger by use of ALL CAPS.

     I would like the record to show that I take great care of my books before shipment. My books are stored in a clear glass case. The room that holds the book storing glass case is equipped with a laser security grid in case of break in. Not even the stealthiest of ninjas can break through. Each book is wrapped in Saran Wrap as to preserve the book while he waits to be shipped. Perhaps if I had shipped the book still wrapped in the Saran Wrap it would not have arrived “like it had gone through the washing machine”. I remember one time I didn’t want to get my hair wet but I wanted to take a shower so I wrapped my whole head in Saran Wrap and after the shower when I took it off… Perfectly. Dry. Hair. It was really quite brilliant. I have since invented the Shower Cap. - one of my many useful inventions. To see my other useful inventions, please see the following web address.

     I have Exhibits B and C (emails 2 and 3), but they are just more of the same rubbish. I think you get the picture from the first email. Exhibit D, the last email I received from Debbie, consists of two words. They rhyme with “Duck” and “Moo”

     The following example is one of the two emails I sent to the plaintiff in response to her four emails. After the nature of her first email, I am sure you are quite surprised that I emailed back at all. At first, I thought it was just spam. You know how lately when you get spam in your email they sound all personal? “Subject: Hey Jim, we found that baby you lost. Open our email for directions.” And then, poor Jim opens the email, because of course he wants to know where the baby is that he lost the other day, because nowadays you can’t leave a baby outside in a stroller while you go to the cinema to watch the latest flick. No, now you have to take the baby in with you. Ridiculous. My point here, and I do have one, is that I used to like movie theater popcorn, but then that news story came out about the factory that manufactures butter in powder form so you can sprinkle it, and how it was giving the workers cancer and I thought to myself, “well, how can I sit here and enjoy this scrumptious treat with the weight of the little butter churners lives on my shoulders…” Luckily, a few weeks later, I completely forgot about this story and was able to enjoy this treat once again.

Here is the email I sent in response:

Sent: Monday, July 12, 2010 8:05 PM
To: Debbie                (491                        @marketplace.amazon.com)

When I shipped the book it was in NEW condition. I am not responsible for the book after shipment. I apologize if it arrived to you in a lesser condition. I would take that up with your local postal service.


     I took it upon myself to end the personal contact with the plaintiff because of the intense threatening nature of her emails.

     As you can see my emails are calm, not berating, and there were no misspellings. This is thanks to my social skills, and my PHD in Communications.

     You know, now that I think about it, I did put that book in the washing machine before sending it. It was covered in mud and grass from the game of pickle it played earlier with the other books. I just found page 76 in the dryer.

I will ship page 76 ASAP.

Problem solved.

Claim resolved.

Pleasure doing business with you.



**UPDATE** After a few weeks of what I can only assume was a jury of brilliant minds deliberating the case, they closed the claim. And I won. How you ask? I am not sure. All Amazon said was, “You are not responsible for this claim or its reimbursement.”

Suck it Debbie - I’m a winner!