Saturday, April 14, 2012

Stop Reading & Die


Soooooo, spiders are terrifying. 

That's it. I just though you should know. 

Okay, I'll explain to you why, but I'm going to have to set fire to my skin after. I can already feel them on me. 

Everything about them makes my insides want to die. When I see one my body tries to kill itself so we don't have to deal with it. I should carry a cyanide pill with me just in case... 

Oh there's a spider on my wall?

 take the pill

Felt something on my leg?

 take the pill

See an image of a spider on the internet? 

 take the pill

I've already died 3 times and I haven't even had my coffee. 

The way a spider moves is so creepy. All those legs give them this 'dancing on air' type of movement. Who needs 8 legs, or 8 eyes for that matter?? Some only have 6 eyes, but that doesn’t make them less horrifying, it just makes the ones with 8 seem like they’re trying too hard. 2. I have 2 eyes and I'm doing just fine. I also have 2 legs. (in case anyone was wondering; human anatomy is tricky) What do they need all those parts for? I would research it, but then I'd have to squint and block pictures with my hands and in the off chance that I accidently saw one… take the pill. 

I’m a huge wuss.

I can’t even kill a spider.

Not because I feel it’s wrong; I think all spiders should suffer a painful death. I don’t care if they have a spider family or spider babies or if spider grandma is in the middle of knitting them a spider scarf. I want them all to burn.

If you are one of those people who “catches” them and sets them free outside, stop reading this and die. For every spider you refuse to kill, I promise to kill 10 in the worst possible way. Okay, let’s be honest, I will find someone else to kill them; I’m not going near one.  

Most of my life I have lived with someone else, so lucky I rarely have to kill one. But if, god forbid, I can’t find anyone else to kill it, I’ll either stare at it till someone gets home (because you know as soon as you look away they disappear and now they're probably on your face) or I’ll build a contraption to kill it from a distance.

I used a mop one time, the kind with the flat spongy head, and taped it to a broom handle so it was extra long. (don't worry, the whole time I was starring at the little monster/dying inside to make sure he didn't move) I did some practice squishes, probably 80, on the ceiling a few feet away from him just to be sure my murder technique was on point. (this is not something you can half-ass. this is life or death. squish or be squished)

Finally the moment of truth came. I lined my mop up with the location of the intruder and set my sponge to kill. Then I threw the mop at the ceiling, bolted down the hallway, tripped on my contraption building supplies, suffered a massive stubbed toe, and missed the spider completely. To this day I still have no idea where he is.

This is the story of why I had to move out of Northern California.    

1 comment:

Taylor Macias said...

Dude, I seriously can't breathe after that post!!!! Holy hell!!